Still Figuring It Out

My life is falling apart.

2008-08-07T19:39:00.002-04:00

The last few months have proven to be hard ones. Matt was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I have been forced to put my own poor health on a back burner. I feel like I am in a constant battle to hold in the tears and not let others see the intense hurt that I feel. Matt spent a week in the psychiatric unit of a hospital... and I spent the week in panic trying to figure out how to juggle Jaedan and Matt. My sister-in-law Marie was kind enough to come and help me for the last two weeks. She went home yesterday and I kind of wish that she had been able to stay forever. Matt has been so difficult to be around. I am doing my best to be supportive, but I am starting to think that I can never be what he wants me to be. I am so broken. He has been breaking me down and breaking me down with his words and actions and I am not sure that our marraige will make through another year. I am worried for myself and for our daughter. The level of anger that he is showing is unnerving and I don't know how to hide from it. It kills me that my daughter has to hear him tear me apart... I desperately want a healthier enviroment for her. Parts of me wants to just scream at him to leave... to go away from us and let us be. But, the other part is scared to let him go... how can I parent a child single handedly? I feel like my insides are aching and I can't control the tears... they flood my head, longing to be freed. I need a break from all this chaos... a stretch of time that brings joy and love. Both of which I am running low on. Where do I go from here?

Now What?

2008-05-19T22:44:00.003-04:00

I had some positive feedback today. The doctor said that my ovaries look healthy and thriving. The next step... if I am not pregnant... will be to have an x-ray of my uterus. It is a slightly painful and invasive procedure and I am not looking forward to it. After the x-ray is done, we will schedule the laparoscopy. The laparoscopy will be looking for endometriosis. If they find any, they will laser it off. Regaurdless, it appears that I may be in for a long haul... unless of course I am pregnant which will bring a whole new set of issues. But, for now I am hopeful. I have healthy ovaries. That has to count for something, right? Oh, and aside from one majorly un-nice encounter early on today, Matt has been easier to be around tonight. Only time will tell.

Tormented

2008-05-18T23:25:00.003-04:00

It's 11:30pm on a Sunday night and I am up thinking... worrying. Tomorrow I go to the doctor and get the results of my ultrasound. I also find out if I am pregnant or not. I am worried about what may or may not be in there. This past week, Matt had a mental breakdown. He's had to participate in an out-patient program for bipolar. It could last for two weeks. I am scared to death about what this may mean for our future and our marraige. I don't know if I am truely strong enough... pysically or mentally to care for him like this forever. He has been mean and combative for days. If I mention that he's treating me like crap, he gets upset because I am not being supportive enough. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now, and if this is the month it took I am going to have a big problem. I want another baby so badly, but I don't want to have to raise it (and Jaedan) with a man who can't function. I just don't think that I have the strength. My heart aches with the thought of never getting to be the mother of another child... with the thought of being this lonely and ignored forever... with the idea of being verbally assaulted and put down because I have feelings and needs as well. I try so hard to put other's needs before my own. Just once, I wish that he could do the same for me. I am tired of being ill... I am tired of being the strong one. I just need his arms to carry me. Just this once. Don't get me wrong. I am proud of him for getting help and going to this program. I know that alot of it is chemical and he can't help it. I just don't know how long I can do this without cracking and giving up. Matt's grandma is an amazing woman. She has been married to a man with bipolar for over 50 years. She has endured struggles that my mind can't even wrap itself around. I think of some of the struggles that she has encountered and cry, wondering if I will someday encounter the same ones. I love this man... but, will I be able to endure those kinds of hardships? I know that I am not his grandma. She is a far better woman than I. If you are they praying type, please lift me up in your prayers. I am so hurt and confused right now. I need God's comfort and peace over this situation.

Answers On The Way?

2008-05-07T15:11:00.003-04:00

I'm excited and scared... tomorrow I go to have my ultrasound. It will determine wether I have any tumors or cysts hiding in my uterus or ovaries. I am hoping that find something. Not that I want it to be something serious, but I am ready to move on and get past this phase of my life. I hae been making an effort to live to the fullest lately. I have been taking my daughter and dog hiking a lot... in fact, almost every morning. It has been great for my soul and maybe even my body. I have been making more time for friends and family... going out for coffee and nurturing relationships that I so deeply value. I figure that I'm going to be exhausted no matter what I do, so I might as well get out there and do something. As I have read over my past blogs, I have come to realize that I am doing a lot of whining, but not a lot of living. So, to those of you who have actually been falling along... I'm sorry that you had to hear me whine. It's gotta go upwards from here, right?

The lastest...

2008-04-18T00:34:00.003-04:00

Well, it is halfway through April. I turned 25 this week and today I celebrate the 5 year anniversary of my marraige to Matt. I am still feeling ill... not as constant, but very regularly. I met with an OB/GYN to consult her about the abdominal pain I have been having... no other specialist is able to figure it out, maybe this one will. I will be goiing to have an ultrasound in two weeks to check for cysts and tumors. If it shows nothing, I will undergo laproscopic surgery and the docs will look for endometriosis and possibly burn it off with a laser. They have taken my blood to check hormone levels and I will have it checked again in about a week. I am chronically tired and often a bit scared of what's to come. It has been a long haul and we don't even know what's causing this illness. Ugh. It's almost one AM and I ought to go to bed... staying up late is just bound to make me feel grosser tomorrow. Nighty-night!

The Waiting Game

2008-01-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

It has been over a week and I have still not heard the results of my biopsies. I am going to call today. I received a letter yesterday from my doctor. He said that I am due for another CT scan. I am unsure why they want to do another one... I've already been told that I may have cooked my ovaries from all of the CT and Barium scans that they have done. I called him this morning and was told that I should call him this evening instead because he wasn't in. I am really frustrated. The GI specialist wants to wait two months and see what happens. I am so uncomfortable and a little scared and certainly don't want to wait months before looking closer at the things that hurt. I am unsure of why he is unwilling to look into my liver since the last blood test showed that one of the functions is still high and my blood count is high.
I was at my cousins house last weekend for a day and she was pretty insensitive. She asked if I was still depressed. I am not depressed... I just am very sick. She basically made me feel like I am making it all up and it is in my head. I know that it isn't in my head and that there is something going wrong in there.

The Gastroscopy is Over!

2008-01-14T22:59:00.000-05:00

Okay, I went in for my endoscopy today. The procedure was pretty quick and easy. I am experiencing some stomach cramping though... it's not much fun. The doctor said that one of my liver tests looks normal and the other looks a little high again. I'm not really sure what that means for me, but I'm sure that I will soon find out. The endoscopy showed that my stomach is swollen and contains bile. They took some biopsies. I should find out the results of those by the end of the week. I am nervous though. I know that something is going wrong in there! I got home around lunch time. There was a nasty snow storm outside and my power went out for like an hour. I was FREEZING! Then it went back on and I cranked the heat and all was well again. I fell asleep around 1:30 pm or 2 pm. I didn't wake up until 6pm when Matt arrived home with Jaedan. I couldn't believe it! There were messages on the answering machine, so I must have slept through the phone ringing... even though it was right next to my head! Good drugs I guess!

I'm Freaking Out!

2008-01-13T22:15:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I am scheduled for an endoscopy first thing in the morning. I am a little nervous... okay, A LOT nervous! Not about the actual procedure, but more about what they may find. Or what they may not find. I desperately want to find out why I feel this way... I just am scared for what they may discover. I spent today stocking the fridge and cabinets with food and cleaning up the house. We are supposed to get a big snow storm tonight. I want to make sure that there is plenty of food if we get stuck inside or if I end up in the hospital again and Matt is left to fend for Jaedan and himself. I am not expecting to have to stay in the hospital, but their are minor risks and I want to be prepared for them. I pray that God will provide me with strength when I receive the results and a sense of tranquility while preparing for it.

Fun, Fun, Fun!!!

2008-01-11T22:01:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day. Her and I went swimming for an hour and a half. She clung to me for dear life at first. Her friend Kayle and her family came with us. It was a lot of fun. Kayle is a fish and swims, swims, swims. It was awesome to see Jaedan and Kayle play in the water together. They are best friends and tell everyone that they are. It is so cute. After that, we went home and Jaed took a nap while I did the dishes and straightened up the house. Tonight was fantastic too. Matt brought home Chinese food for dinner and we watched a Disney movie as a family. I made banana smoothies and popcorn. We all sat around in the living room and just enjoyed each others company. This is truly what Friday nights were made for. Thank you God for a day of peace and tranquility... and honest contentedness.

2008-01-09T23:10:00.000-05:00

Well, today I met with the GI specialist. He took blood to check my liver function. I should know the results by Monday. I am also scheduled for an endoscopy... where they put a scope down my throat and take a look around... on Monday morning. I am a little nervous. I'm sure that it is not a big deal, but I will be under. I won't be able to drive all day because of it. I keep praying that they will find something, anything. I really need to know why my insides feel this way and get it taken care of.

Aside from that, I went to my "mommy's meeting" as I call it. It is actually four women, including myself, all moms, who meet every other Wednesday night to talk about a book that we are reading. Currently, we are reading "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. We all feel that it has impacted us in some of the ways that we mother our children. It inspired me to stay home with Jaedan and help me to realize the impact that my every move makes on her. It has been difficult for me to read because it has really pulled on my heart and reveiled some things to me that I am not proud of. I am so often quick to anger, epecially when it comes to Jaedan. I would never hurt her, but I know that I yell sometimes when I could get her attention using a much calmer voice. It is something that I am working on. I am a constant work in progress and truely desire to be the best mother than I can be. I want to provide my child with a foundation that will be sturdy for her to build on.
Today, I took Jaedan for her first hair cut. I finally got tired of the non-stop brushing and washing that her beautiful, long hair required. So, we cut it shoulder length and bobbed it out. SO CUTE! She feels so pretty and she looks it. We had a great time with each other today. It is truely one of the moments that I will remember for always.

A Better Day

2008-01-06T19:55:00.000-05:00

Well... I have felt a little better today. I had a rough start this morning waking up, but then it was pretty smooth sailing. I got Jaedan all cleaned up and dressed to go on a special date with my mom and my grandmother. Matt and I took a little trip to Target to get a yankee swap gift for a New Year's party that I was going to today. My blood pressure dropped while we were in line and I got a little dizzy and woozy. Matt grabbed me a bag of salty jerky and made me eat it. It helped the light-headedness to go away and then I was fine. The party was fun and relaxed. My friend Robin did an amazing job putting together snackie stuff and desserts and coffee and teas. I am really glad to have been blessed with such a good day after a series of difficult ones. Tomorrow I plan on getting out of the house earlier than usual and going to the gym. I may even take Jaed to swim in the YMCA indoor pool. We'll see what happens. I would like to get the downstairs bathroom and laundry room cleaned as well since I wasn't able to get it done on Friday and cleaning on the weekends is a joke in our home!

Rough Day

2008-01-05T17:36:00.000-05:00

I have had a rough day. I have been pretty sick. I slept until 10:30 am and then got up and got ready for the day. Matt and I went to see the movie Juno. It was okay, but really bizarre. My blood pressure had dropped and I was really light headed. We went out for lunch and that helped some, but I still feel very weak and my stomach aches. I want to just scream. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am exhausted and frustrated. I need to go make dinner, since we should have eaten about 40 minutes ago. Oh, well!

2008-01-04T22:57:00.000-05:00

Today I had my doctor's appointment. It was a real let down. I was told again that no one knows what's going on inside of me except for that my white blood count is a little high and I have trace amounts of biliruben in my urine which implies that my liver isn't working completely right. On the plus side, I'm not Jaundice so I guess that that's good. I go on Wednesday to the "big wig" doctor... the G.I. specialist. That should be loads of fun. I just hope that I'm not too disappointed when I return.
Tonight was kinda a bummer too. Jaed went to my mom's for a sleepover. Matt and I had plans to go out for dinner and to see a movie. He bailed out last minute and so we ended up at home in separate rooms, angry. It kills me when I spend time to curl my hair and put on make-up and dress nice so that we can go out (which is very rare) and he decides last minute that he doesn't feel up to it. It makes me feel like maybe he doesn't want to be around me. Maybe he really doesn't. I am so weak from whatever is taking over my body and sometimes it is just nice to have something else to focus on. Don't get me wrong, I love Matt and I know that he means well most of the time... sometimes he is just really selfish and it hurts. Okay, I'm signing off... I don't want this to become a rant fest!

First Day As A Stay-At-Home Mommy

2008-01-02T19:01:00.000-05:00

Today is my first day as a stay-at-home-mom and I think that I may have failed terribly. Jaedan and I slept in until 9:30 am and then stayed in bed watching cartoons until about 11:00 am. Then, we got up and went to my mom's house to visit with her and my little cousin Ryan. We played there for awhile and Jaed napped there too. We hung out until like 5:30 pm when I dragged her home kicking and screaming. So, we got home AFTER Matt and the house was still a mess and dinner was no where near being started. I have started dinner... it's in the oven and should be done soon... and I cleaned up the downstairs a little bit. I am going to try to get up earlier tomorrow and get a head start on laundry and REALLY clean the downstairs well tomorrow. The upstairs will have to wait until Saturday. I am only one woman, you know? I am off the finish dinner and then get Jaedan bathed and into bed.

It's a new year!

2008-01-01T19:57:00.000-05:00

So, it's New Years Day 2008. I am entering this year with a sense of accomplishment, a better understanding of who I am, and a fear of what will come. Throughout the year of 2007 and I have worked hard to become a better, more compassionate mother. I have tried to become more understanding and accepting of people and situations that tend to upset me. I have learned that I am often overbearing, especially towards my family (husband and daughter mostly). I have also learned that I am passionate and enjoy helping people. I like to be needed. I have much to fear with the new year. I have been very ill over the last month with very bad pain in my stomach and have spent time in the hospital because of it. We still haven't found what's causing it and I am scared of what they will find. I will trust that whatever happens is for the best for me and my family. I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday and an appointment with a GI specialist on Wednesday. I am still waiting to find out when I meet with the GYN specialist to make sure that I don't have any feminine problems that are causing the pain. Needless to say, I am nervous about the trials that I am going to encounter this year.