My life is falling apart.

The last few months have proven to be hard ones. Matt was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I have been forced to put my own poor health on a back burner. I feel like I am in a constant battle to hold in the tears and not let others see the intense hurt that I feel. Matt spent a week in the psychiatric unit of a hospital... and I spent the week in panic trying to figure out how to juggle Jaedan and Matt. My sister-in-law Marie was kind enough to come and help me for the last two weeks. She went home yesterday and I kind of wish that she had been able to stay forever. Matt has been so difficult to be around. I am doing my best to be supportive, but I am starting to think that I can never be what he wants me to be. I am so broken. He has been breaking me down and breaking me down with his words and actions and I am not sure that our marraige will make through another year. I am worried for myself and for our daughter. The level of anger that he is showing is unnerving and I don't know how to hide from it. It kills me that my daughter has to hear him tear me apart... I desperately want a healthier enviroment for her. Parts of me wants to just scream at him to leave... to go away from us and let us be. But, the other part is scared to let him go... how can I parent a child single handedly? I feel like my insides are aching and I can't control the tears... they flood my head, longing to be freed. I need a break from all this chaos... a stretch of time that brings joy and love. Both of which I am running low on. Where do I go from here?

Now What?

I had some positive feedback today. The doctor said that my ovaries look healthy and thriving. The next step... if I am not pregnant... will be to have an x-ray of my uterus. It is a slightly painful and invasive procedure and I am not looking forward to it. After the x-ray is done, we will schedule the laparoscopy. The laparoscopy will be looking for endometriosis. If they find any, they will laser it off. Regaurdless, it appears that I may be in for a long haul... unless of course I am pregnant which will bring a whole new set of issues. But, for now I am hopeful. I have healthy ovaries. That has to count for something, right? Oh, and aside from one majorly un-nice encounter early on today, Matt has been easier to be around tonight. Only time will tell.

Tormented

It's 11:30pm on a Sunday night and I am up thinking... worrying. Tomorrow I go to the doctor and get the results of my ultrasound. I also find out if I am pregnant or not. I am worried about what may or may not be in there. This past week, Matt had a mental breakdown. He's had to participate in an out-patient program for bipolar. It could last for two weeks. I am scared to death about what this may mean for our future and our marraige. I don't know if I am truely strong enough... pysically or mentally to care for him like this forever. He has been mean and combative for days. If I mention that he's treating me like crap, he gets upset because I am not being supportive enough. We have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now, and if this is the month it took I am going to have a big problem. I want another baby so badly, but I don't want to have to raise it (and Jaedan) with a man who can't function. I just don't think that I have the strength. My heart aches with the thought of never getting to be the mother of another child... with the thought of being this lonely and ignored forever... with the idea of being verbally assaulted and put down because I have feelings and needs as well. I try so hard to put other's needs before my own. Just once, I wish that he could do the same for me. I am tired of being ill... I am tired of being the strong one. I just need his arms to carry me. Just this once. Don't get me wrong. I am proud of him for getting help and going to this program. I know that alot of it is chemical and he can't help it. I just don't know how long I can do this without cracking and giving up. Matt's grandma is an amazing woman. She has been married to a man with bipolar for over 50 years. She has endured struggles that my mind can't even wrap itself around. I think of some of the struggles that she has encountered and cry, wondering if I will someday encounter the same ones. I love this man... but, will I be able to endure those kinds of hardships? I know that I am not his grandma. She is a far better woman than I. If you are they praying type, please lift me up in your prayers. I am so hurt and confused right now. I need God's comfort and peace over this situation.

Answers On The Way?

I'm excited and scared... tomorrow I go to have my ultrasound. It will determine wether I have any tumors or cysts hiding in my uterus or ovaries. I am hoping that find something. Not that I want it to be something serious, but I am ready to move on and get past this phase of my life. I hae been making an effort to live to the fullest lately. I have been taking my daughter and dog hiking a lot... in fact, almost every morning. It has been great for my soul and maybe even my body. I have been making more time for friends and family... going out for coffee and nurturing relationships that I so deeply value. I figure that I'm going to be exhausted no matter what I do, so I might as well get out there and do something. As I have read over my past blogs, I have come to realize that I am doing a lot of whining, but not a lot of living. So, to those of you who have actually been falling along... I'm sorry that you had to hear me whine. It's gotta go upwards from here, right?

The lastest...

Well, it is halfway through April. I turned 25 this week and today I celebrate the 5 year anniversary of my marraige to Matt. I am still feeling ill... not as constant, but very regularly. I met with an OB/GYN to consult her about the abdominal pain I have been having... no other specialist is able to figure it out, maybe this one will. I will be goiing to have an ultrasound in two weeks to check for cysts and tumors. If it shows nothing, I will undergo laproscopic surgery and the docs will look for endometriosis and possibly burn it off with a laser. They have taken my blood to check hormone levels and I will have it checked again in about a week. I am chronically tired and often a bit scared of what's to come. It has been a long haul and we don't even know what's causing this illness. Ugh. It's almost one AM and I ought to go to bed... staying up late is just bound to make me feel grosser tomorrow. Nighty-night!

The Waiting Game

It has been over a week and I have still not heard the results of my biopsies. I am going to call today. I received a letter yesterday from my doctor. He said that I am due for another CT scan. I am unsure why they want to do another one... I've already been told that I may have cooked my ovaries from all of the CT and Barium scans that they have done. I called him this morning and was told that I should call him this evening instead because he wasn't in. I am really frustrated. The GI specialist wants to wait two months and see what happens. I am so uncomfortable and a little scared and certainly don't want to wait months before looking closer at the things that hurt. I am unsure of why he is unwilling to look into my liver since the last blood test showed that one of the functions is still high and my blood count is high.
I was at my cousins house last weekend for a day and she was pretty insensitive. She asked if I was still depressed. I am not depressed... I just am very sick. She basically made me feel like I am making it all up and it is in my head. I know that it isn't in my head and that there is something going wrong in there.

The Gastroscopy is Over!

Okay, I went in for my endoscopy today. The procedure was pretty quick and easy. I am experiencing some stomach cramping though... it's not much fun. The doctor said that one of my liver tests looks normal and the other looks a little high again. I'm not really sure what that means for me, but I'm sure that I will soon find out. The endoscopy showed that my stomach is swollen and contains bile. They took some biopsies. I should find out the results of those by the end of the week. I am nervous though. I know that something is going wrong in there! I got home around lunch time. There was a nasty snow storm outside and my power went out for like an hour. I was FREEZING! Then it went back on and I cranked the heat and all was well again. I fell asleep around 1:30 pm or 2 pm. I didn't wake up until 6pm when Matt arrived home with Jaedan. I couldn't believe it! There were messages on the answering machine, so I must have slept through the phone ringing... even though it was right next to my head! Good drugs I guess!